The First 45 Minutes of Transformers: The Last Knight

I watched the first forty-five minutes of The Last Knight for a full review and had to stop. To even get that far, I’d had to consult a psychologist who graciously prescribed me several anti-depressant medications, and who refused to allow me to view the film without first booking myself in for weekly therapy sessions with an expert of cognitive behavioural therapy. Even then, I still needed to visit my local doctor to get adrenaline prescribed for myself so I could stay awake for the duration of the film. He said this was not a valid reason for wanting such drugs, and had the audacity to doubt my story about the psychiatrist and anti-depressants I was on. Following a brief escapade with security and a week in an institution, having been committed by my own family, I finally found the drugs I needed from a back alley dealer. Having done this, I was finally ready to watch Transformers: The Last Knight. Forty-five whole minutes of it.

The film was so boring, so soulless, so without taste and creatively bankrupt that I think I developed severe ADHD before I turned it off. I was opening my laptop a mere 10 minutes into the film, making food in the kitchen twenty minutes in, and pacing around desperately trying to remain focussed on Michael Bay’s brilliant writing and directorial style at about thirty minutes in. By the forty-five minute mark, there was nothing my psyche could do to force itself to remain focussed. And all this was for nothing.

Therefore there is no review of The Last Knight that I can give, aside from saying that it has a bad opening forty-five minutes.

I’ve watched pretty bad films before. Other movies I’ve reviewed and considered turning them off half-way through would include: Godzilla Raids Again, All Monsters Attack, Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween Resurrection, Thor: Love and Thunder, Spectre, and Quantum of Solace. But bad as those films were – bad enough that I considered turning them off – I never did. There was something about them, whether it was the way they were made, the context of their existences, the performances of the actors, the bad nature in of itself being interesting, that made me keep on watching. And today I can say, I do not regret having watched them in full. By the end, even if they were bad, I was glad to have soldiered through them.

As far as Transformers goes, the firstokne that I truly wanted to switch off was Dark of the Moon. A whole uninterrupted hour of that film is so inconsequential and rubbish, that Thanos could snap it from existence and only middling editing queries would be left in it’s wake. But it was Age of Extinction that wiped me out. A film so dire that is seemed to have snuffed out my motivation to get through this one. And this one did itself no favours in so far as trying to increase my motivation; it’s truly trash.

The only real thing of note here is when the notoriously tasteless and misogynistic, male-gazer that is this film’s director decided to use a child actress to market this film in a pro-feminist light. Obviously, if you’ve even looked at any of the other Transformers movies, you’d immediately recognise how blatant of an attempt this is to cash in on the online feminism discourse that peaked on the internet during 2016. Aside from that, eh. Nothing else worth mentioning.

So no, I do not recommend Transformers: The Last Knight at all, even a little bit.

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