Measuring Shlock

Hello, dear readers. Today we’re talking about shlock. Good shlock. Bad shlock. All things schlocky.

I use the term “shlock” a lot in my reviews, and sometimes I enjoy these types of films a lot because of how committed to being bad they are. And sometimes I dislike them because they either go too far, or not far enough. And that can be confusing as a reader to gauge. Schlock, comical as it is to say, is broad, and it doesn’t give a reader an understanding of what type of low-quality cinema I like and what I don’t. This handy post is intended to help you readers measure my shlock tolerance… Not that you care, but here it goes.

First let’s define schlock: “cheap or inferior goods or material; trash.” Google search the definition of shlock and that’s what you get. I would agree.

Now, there are different levels of shlock we need to go through and I’ll accompany each level I describe with a movie to help you gain an understanding of what that type of shlock is to me, personally. I am going to be measuring shlock by how self-aware it is. That is to say, if the film knows it’s shlock and if it is able to use that to it’s benefit to turn a film you know is kind of bad into a guilty pleasure. Or… if it can’t or doesn’t. I’m going to mostly use action movies for this, as they’re pretty easy to measure on the schlock-scale.

Level 1: Boring Shlock

Seeing as I reviewed Godzilla: King of the Monsters as such, this is the perfect example. It is a movie that is ultimately about mind controlling monsters to fight each other. Plenty such movies exist, and I’d bet most people have at least one guilty pleasure movie of monsters doing such a thing to one and other. The problem with King of the Monsters is that it doesn’t know it’s trash. It wants all these trashy things to be in it, but won’t admit to itself that it’s just dumb fun, and so fills your head with stereotypical drama and rubbish cinematic universe world building to try and be anything other than what it is: Shlock.

By failing to be self aware, shlock can never thrive. Shlock thrives when it knows it is rubbish and taps into your primal monkey brain. It isn’t that King of the Monsters fails to do that, but simply won’t. It thinks itself above shlock, although that is exactly what it is. Ultimately, boring schlock often takes itself too seriously too.

Other example of boring shlock: Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Fantastic Four (2015), Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002), Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice (2015), Halloween Kills (2021).

Level 2: Self-Aware Shlock

Self aware shlock is the best that any shlocky movie can ever hope to be; It knows it is trash and leans into it. It’s the type of film that says “we’re just having fun here, folks“. Case and point: X-Men Apocalypse. I am not here to tell you that X-Men Apocalypse is a good film. Even I don’t believe that. But I still enjoy it. It’s a film that exists solely to show you all the different ways they imagined the X-Men could use their powers, culminating in them fighting some Egyptian dude. It also, laughably, provides the origin story as to why Professor X is bald (an Egyptian God shaved him with a CGI force shield). Yes, it is a bad film. But it knows this. It doesn’t aspire to do anything more than make you go “wow” every few scenes and geta giggle out of you with it’s corny tone. Self aware shlock often manifests as guilty pleasure films.

Sometimes, though not always, self aware shlock might be very low budget and making the most of what it has, or just wearing it’s heart on it’s sleeve in spite of everything working against it. X-Men Apocalypse while not low budget, does look cheap and often feel cheap. I think this also contributes to that feeling of it knowing it is a bit trashy.

We all like to pretend we like eating good, healthy food at fancy restaurants, or eating only the best home made meals with jus the right amount of vegetables. But sometimes we all want a McDonalds.

Other examples of self aware schlock: Godzilla vs Kong (2021), Clash of the Titans (2010), Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), SAW 3D (2010), King Kong vs Godzilla (1962), Independence Day (1996).

Level 3: Over the Top Shlock

Over the Top shlock not only knows it is bad… But takes it too far. It is an evolution of self aware shlock that, rather than optimistically leaning into it’s ability to tap into your guilty pleasures, is instead very cynical about itself and almost resents you for watching it. Watching this type of movie may often feel like it is giving you the middle finger for the entire duration of it’s run time, simply for turning it on. It will lean into the same things as self aware shlock does, but with a total lack of coherence or willingness to stop and let you think, for even a second, about what you’re seeing. It is a type of film that does not respect that you had to take time out of your day to watch it. Case and point: Transformers Age of Extinction. Every moment of this film is shot like the most important moment of it film. It won’t let you look away. It won’t let you think. It is an audio-visual bombardment. And it couldn’t give a crap what you think of it.

If self aware shlock is the occasional McDonalds you eat between your normal daily meals, over the top shlock is the result of eating McDonalds every day for months.

Other examples of over the top schlock: Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker (2019), The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2012), Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), Man of Steel (2013), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Justice League (2017).

The End
You might categorise this shlock differently than I, or appreciate different schlocky films for different reasons. But this how I view “those” kind of films. Hopefully this is a frame of reference to anyone who reads my reviews and sees me use the word “shlock” in many different contexts and sometimes to mean different things… Again, not that you probably care, or will ever remember. I just think it’s a neat topic, and that schlock is a unique type of film that, when done well, can get you to engage with it despite itself.