Five Nights At Freddy’s (2023) Review

The Five Nights at Freddy’s movie is a big steaming pile of-

The Five Nights at Freddy’s movie is a stinking lump of-

The Five Nights at Freddy’s movie is a gigantic hunk of horse-

No, what the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie is, is a failure. Based on the first 3 Five Nights at Freddy’s games, where a guy kills a bunch of kids, stuffs them in animatronic suits that become haunted, and then gets himself killed by hiding in a suit from their ghosts, the film really overcomplicates things. Because of the way the story telling is done in the games, there is this consensus that the story is hard to grasp by design. It’s not. It’s just told quite ambiguously, and at least two of the games I can think of more or less end with the develloper saying he isn’t ready to answer all the left over questions yet. Some good endings sare obtained by cheating out of minigames, but that’s just it: The bulk of the story is told accross 10-20 minutes of 8-bit minigames. Thats all the film needs. It needs those bits interspliced with a few slasher sections.

The movie isn’t content with this. So instead you’ve got lucid dreaming, the evil animatronics switching alliances all the way through the movie, and a reveal as to who the killer is that is simultaneously obligatory for fans (they already know) and obvious to everyone else (he’s the only other white dude with significant dialogue aside from our lead).

Now what confuses me is that this is a horror movie for kids, just like the games are for kids. That’s fine. But the morals? Not for kids! What were they thinking!?

There’s a police officer called Venessa in this film who is the daughter of Mathew Lillard’s child murderer character. She has knowingly and willingly helped him cover up his child killing shenanigans for years. It’s also implied she uses her kindness as a ruse to help arrange the deaths of night guards, like the one in the film’s cold open, who find out too much a out the animatronics being possessed by dead kids. So she’s a bad guy, right? WRONG! She’s good. She’s just misunderstood and conflicted about the evil things she’s done, so what she needs isn’t to be bought to justice for the sake of the many families she has knowingly and willingly taken from and harmed, no… What she needs is a redemption arc where she helps defeat her evil Dad so that Josh Hutcherson, whose own brother was killed by him, forgives her for helping cover it all up for years and doesnt turn her in or help deliver closure to anyone except himself.

I mock all this because this isn’t a dark twists where the film acknowledges it is wrong for Josh Hutcherson and Vennessa to make this decision, it is played completely straight. There is wholesome music. There are cute moments between her and Josh Hutcherson’s little sister.

I’m just saying if you’re making a mainstream horror film for children, based on an extremely popular widespread videogame that is ingrained in modern internet culture about child murder, it’s grossly irresponsible to just decide the accomplice is totally forgiveable and able to live guilt free because they changed their mind decades later.

Can you imagine if Iggle Piggle killed Upsy Daisey and stuffed her corpse in the Ninky Nonk, and then had Macka Packa help cover it up for years. Then one day Macka Packa is like “I’ve had enough of this now”, helps to revenge murder Iggle Piggle and then gets to live a guilt and consequence free life for that? Cbeebies would lose a lot of ratings.

A good microcosm for Venessa’s character is a scene where she encourages Josh Hutcherson’s ten gear old sister to play with the animatronics and then, later the same night, has the audacity to say “it was super wrong and unsafe of you to bring her here, Josh Hutcherson”.

This movie was in development hell, going through a lot of writers as I understand. But let’s not pretend Venessa wasn’t clearly intended to have always had this redemption arc, and that Josh Hutcherson wasn’t always intended to work with her/forgive her.

Also, as far as I could tell, Venessa is a real police officer. That much isn’t a ruse. But the cops never radio her to ask her why she spends five hours of her shift every night in one location when she’s supposed to be on patrol.

There’s also a subplot about Josh Hutcherson losing custody of his sister. But they don’t know how to wrap it up so they have a ghost kill the person she would go to offscreen. And even though this murder happens inside of Josh Hutcherson’s house, her body is never found by our characters or the police, her death never addressed by anyone for any reason, and is totally glossed over by not just the characters but also the entire writer’s room. So remember, if your aunt dies it’s okay because- Well because it is. And even if it happens in your brothers house – the house of he who has custody of you, and wants to keep you, and thus a motive, even if it was all just ghost antics, no one will ask any questions and you will get to live a lovely happy life.

Does Five Night’s at Freddy’s do anything well? Surprisingly, yes.

I like the set design of the pizzeria. It doesn’t  look like a fake movie pizzeria, it looks authentic and lived in despite the film taking place long after it shut down. They did an excellent job, and the aesthetic helps sell some of the more schlocky moments of the film.

Early in the film when the murders are happening, some of the cinematography is good. It reminded me a little of classic slasher films the way you see the animatronics moving in the corner of the frame, only for keen-eyed viewers, before they take centre stage for the kill. It’s tongue-in-cheek but intentionally so.

I like the depiction of the animatronics as kids. I feel like them switching from kids to murder robots is done a few too many times to make either leave a lasting impression, but I liked that they tried even if it wasn’t done perfectly.

Would I recommend Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. It is a humungous dumpster of shit. It’s not exciting, edgy, gorey, or even trashy enough to satisfy an adult audience. But it’s also so needlessly convoluted and so recklessly irresponsible with its messaging – not something I would ever typically complain about ever – for kids.